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arkTwain
AfewmonthsagoIwasnominatedforGovernorofthegreatstateofNewYork,torunagainstMr.JohnT.SmithandMr.BlankJ.Blankonanindeendentticket.IsomehowfeltthatIhadonerominentadvantageoverthesegentlemen,andthatwas-goodcharacter.Itwaseasytoseebythenewsaersthatifevertheyhadknownwhatitwastobearagoodname,thattimehadgoneby.Itwaslainthatintheselatteryearstheyhadbecomefamiliarwithallmannerofshamefulcrimes.ButattheverymomentthatIwasexaltingmyadvantageandjoyinginitinsecret,therewasamuddyundercurrentofdiscomfort
"riling
"thedeesofmyhainess,andthatwas-thehavingtohearmynamebandiedaboutinfamiliarconnectionwiththoseofsucheole.Igrewmoreandmoredisturbed.FinallyIwrotemygrandmotheraboutit.Heranswercamequickandshar.Shesaid:Youhaveneverdoneonesinglethinginallyourlifetobeashamedof-notone.Lookatthenewsaers-lookatthemandcomrehendwhatsortofcharactersMessrs.SmithandBlankare,andthenseeifyouarewillingtoloweryourselftotheirlevelandenteraubliccanvasswiththem.
Itwasmyverythought!Ididnotsleeasinglemomentthatnight.But,afterall,Icouldnotrecede.
Iwasfullycommitted,andmustgoonwiththefight.
AsIwaslookinglistlesslyovertheaersatbreakfastIcameacrossthisaragrah,andImaytrulysayIneverwassoconfoundedbefore.
PERJURY.-Perhas,nowthatMr.MarkTwainisbeforetheeoleasacandidateforGovernor,hewillcondescendtoexlainhowhecametobeconvictedoferjurybythirty-fourwitnessesinWakawak,CochinChina,in1863,theintentofwhicherjurybeingtorobaoornativewidowandherhellessfamilyofameagerlantain-atch,theironlystayandsuortintheirbereavementanddesolation.
Mr.Twainowesittohimself,aswellastothegreateolewhosesuffragesheasks,toclearthismatteru.Willhedoit?
IthoughtIshouldburstwithamazement!Suchacruel,heartlesscharge!IneverhadseenCochinChina!IneverhadheardofWakawak!Ididn&aos;tknowalantain-atchfromakangaroo!Ididnotknowwhattodo.Iwascrazedandhelless.Iletthedaysliawaywithoutdoinganythingatall.Thenextmorningthesameaerhadhis-nothingmore:
SIGNIFICANT.-Mr.Twain,itwillbeobserved,issuggestivelysilentabouttheCochinChinaerjury.
[Mem.-Duringtherestofthecamaignthisaerneverreferredtomeinanyotherwaythanas
"theinfamouserjurerTwain
".
NextcametheGazette,withthis:
WANTEDTOKNOW-WillthenewcandidateforGovernordeigntoexlaintocertainofhisfellow-citizenswhoaresufferingtovoteforhim!thelittlecircumstanceofhiscabin-matesinMontanalosingsmallvaluablesfromtimetotime,untilatlast,thesethingshavingbeeninvariablyfoundonMr.Twain&aos;sersonorinhis
"trunk
"(newsaerherolledhistrasin),theyfeltcomelledtogivehimafriendlyadmonitionforhisowngood,andsotarredandfeatheredhim,androdehimonarail;andthenadvisedhimtoleaveaermanentvacuuminthelaceheusuallyoccuiedinthecam.Willhedothis?
Couldanythingbemoredeliberatelymaliciousthanthat?ForIneverwasinMontanainmylife.[Afterthis,thisjournalcustomarilysokeofmeas,
"Twain,theMontanaThief.
"]
Igottoickinguaersarehensively-muchasonewouldliftadesiredblanketwhichhehadsomeideamighthavearattlesnakeunderit.
Onedaythismetmyeye:
THELIENAILED.-BytheswornaffidavitsofMichaelO&aos;Flanagan,Esq.,oftheFivePoints,andMr.SnubRaffertyandMr.CattyMulligan,ofWaterStreet,itisestablishedthatMr.MarkTwain&aos;svilestatementthatthelamentedgrandfatherofournoblestandard-bearer,BlankJ.Blank,washangedforhighwayrobbery,isabrutalandgratuitousLIE,withoutashadowoffoundationinfact.Itisdishearteningtovirtuousmentoseesuchshamefulmeansresortedtoachieveoliticalsuccessastheattackingofthedeadintheirgraves,anddefilingtheirhonorednameswithslander.Whenwethinkoftheanguishthismiserablefalsehoodmustcausetheinnocentrelativesandfriendsofthedeceased,wearealmostdriventoinciteanoutragedandinsultedublictosummaryandunlawfulvengeanceuonthetraducer.Butno!letusleavehimtotheagonyofalaceratedconscience(thoughifassionshouldgetthebetteroftheublic,andinitsblindfurytheyshoulddothetraducerbodilyinjury,itisbuttooobviousthatnojurycouldconvictandnocourtunishtheeretratorsofthedeed).
Theingeniousclosingsentencehadtheeffectofmovingmeoutofbedwithdesatchthatnight,andoutatthebackdooralso,whilethe
"outragedandinsultedublic
"surgedinthefrontway,breakingfurnitureandwindowsintheirrighteousindignationastheycame,andtakingoffsuchroertyastheycouldcarrywhentheywent.AndyetIcanlaymyhanduontheBookandsaythatIneverslanderedMr.Blank&aos;sgrandfather.More:Ihadneverevenheardofhimormentionedhimutothatdayanddate.
[Iwillstate,inassing,thatthejournalabovequotedfromalwaysreferredtomeafterwardas
"Twain,theBody-Snatcher.
"]
Thenextnewsaerarticlethatattractedmyattentionwasthefollowing:
ASWEETCANDIDATE.-Mr.MarkTwain,whowastomakesuchablightingseechatthemass-meetingoftheIndeendentslastnight,didn&aos;tcometotime!Atelegramfromhishysicianstatedthathehadbeenknockeddownbyarunawayteam,andhislegbrokenintwolaces-suffererlyingingreatagony,andsoforth,andsoforth,andalotmoreboshofthesamesort.AndtheIndeendentstriedhardtoswallowthewretchedsubterfuge,andretendthattheydidnotknowwhatwastherealreasonoftheabsenceoftheabandonedcreaturewhomtheydenominatetheirstandard-bearer.AcertainmanwasseentoreelintoMr.Twain&aos;shotellastnightinastateofbeastlyintoxication.ItistheimerativedutyoftheIndeendentstorovethatthisbesottedbrutewasnotMarkTwainhimself.Wehavethematlast!Thisisacasethatadmitsofnoshirking.Thevoiceoftheeoledemandsinthundertones,
"WHOWASTHATMAN?
