第9章 The Notorious Jumping Frog of Calaveras County

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MarkTwain

Incomliancewiththerequestofafriendofmine,whowrotemefromtheEast,Icalledongood-natured,garrulousoldSimonWheeler,andinquiredaftermyfriend&aos;sfriend,LeonidasW.

Smiley,asrequestedtodo,andIhereuntoaendtheresult.IhavealurkingsusicionthatLeonidasW.Smileyisamyth;thatmyfriendneverknewsuchaersonage;andthatheonlyconjecturedthatifIaskedoldWheelerabouthim,itwouldremindhimofhisinfamousJimSmiley,andhewouldgotoworkandboremetodeathwithsomeexaseratingreminiscenceofhimaslongandastediousasitshouldbeuselesstome.Ifthatwasthedesign,itsucceeded.

IfoundSimonWheelerdozingcomfortablybythebarroomstoveofthedilaidatedtaverninthedecayedminingcamofAngel&aos;s,andInoticedthathewasfatandbald-headed,andhadanexressionofwinninggentlenessandsimlicityuonhistranquilcountenance.Herousedu,andgavemegoodday.ItoldhimafriendofminehadcommissionedmetomakesomeinquiriesaboutacherishedcomanionofhisboyhoodnamedLeonidasW.Smiley-Rev.LeonidasW.Smiley,ayoungministeroftheGosel,whohehadheardwasatonetimearesidentofAngel&aos;sCam.IaddedthatifMr.WheelercouldtellmeanythingaboutthisRev.LeonidasW.Smiley,Iwouldfeelundermanyobligationstohim.

SimonWheelerbackedmeintoacornerandblockadedmetherewithhischair,andthensatdownandreeledoffthemonotonousnarrativewhichfollowsthisaragrah.Heneversmiled,heneverfrowned,heneverchangedhisvoicefromthegentle-flowingkeytowhichhetunedhisinitialsentence,heneverbetrayedtheslightestsusicionofenthusiasm;butallthroughtheinterminablenarrativethereranaveinofimressiveearnestnessandsincerity,whichshowedmelainlythat,sofarfromhisimaginingthattherewasanythingridiculousorfunnyabouthisstory,heregardeditasareallyimortantmatter,andadmireditstwoheroesasmenoftranscendentgeniusinfinesse.Ilethimgooninhisownway,andneverinterrrutedhimonce.

"Rev.LeonidasW.H&aos;m,ReverendLe-well,therewasafellerhereoncebythenameofJimSmiley,inthewinterof‘49-ormaybeitwasthesringof’50-Idon&aos;trecollectexactly,somehow,thoughwhatmakesmethinkitwasoneortheotherisbecauseIrememberthebigflumewarn&aos;tfinishedwhenhefirstcometothecam;butanyway,hewasthecuriousestmanaboutalwaysbettingonanythingthatturneduyoueversee,ifhecouldgetanybodytobetontheotherside;andifhecouldn&aos;the&aos;dchangesides.Anywaythatsuitedtheothermanwouldsuithim-anywayjustso&aos;shegotabet,hewassatisfied.Butstillhewaslucky,uncommonlucky;hemostalwayscomeoutwinner.Hewasalwaysreadyandlayingforachance;therecouldn&aos;tbenosolit&aos;rythingmentionedbutthatfeller&aos;doffertobetonit,andtakeanysideyoulease,asIwasjusttellingyou.Iftherewasahorse-race,you&aos;dfindhimflushoryou&aos;dfindhimbustedattheendofit;iftherewasadog-fight,he&aos;dbetonit;iftherewasacat-fight,he&aos;dbetonit;iftherewasachicken-fight,he&aos;dbetonit;why,iftherewastwobirdssettingonafence,hewouldbetyouwhichonewouldflyfirst;oriftherewasacam-meeting,hewouldbetherereg&aos;lartobetonParsonWalker,whichhejudgedtobethebestexhorterabouthere,andsohewastoo,andagoodman.Ifheevenseeastraddle-bugstarttogoanywheres,hewouldbetyouhowlongitwouldtakehimtogetto-towhereverhewasgoingto,andifyoutookhimu,hewouldfollerthatstraddle-bugtoMexicobutwhathewouldfindoutwherehewasboundforandhowlonghewasontheroad.LotsoftheboysherehasseenthatSmiley,andcantellyouabouthim.Why,itnevermadenodifferencetohim-he&aos;dbetonanything-thedangdestfeller.ParsonWalker&aos;swifelaidverysickonce,foragoodwhile,anditseemedasiftheywarn&aos;tgoingtosaveher;butonemorninghecomein,andSmileyuandaskedhimhowshewas,andhesaidshewasconsidablebetter-thanktheLordforhisinf&aos;nitmercy-andcomingonsosmartthatwiththeblessingofProv&aos;denceshe&aos;dgetwellyet;andSmiley,beforehethought,says,&aos;Well,I&aos;llresktwo-and-a-halfshedon&aos;tanyway.&aos;

"Thish-yerSmileyhadamare-theboyscalledherthefifteen-minutenag,butthatwasonlyinfun,youknow,becauseofcourseshewasfasterthanthat-andheusedtowinmoneyonthathorse,forallshewassoslowandalwayshadtheasthma,orthedistemer,ortheconsumtion,orsomethingofthatkind.Theyusedtogivehertwoorthreehundredyards&aos;start,andthenassherunderway;butalwaysatthefagendoftheraceshe&aos;dgetexcitedanddeseratelike,andcomecavortingandstraddlingu,andscatteringherlegsaroundlimber,sometimesintheair,andsometimesouttoonesideamongthefences,andkickingum-o-r-edustandraisingm-o-r-eracketwithhercoughingandsneezingandblowinghernose-andalwaysfetchuatthestandjustaboutaneckahead,asnearasyoucouldciheritdown.

"Andhehadalittlesmallbull-u,thattolookathimyou&aos;dthinkhewarn&aos;tworthacentbuttosetaroundandlookorneryandlayforachancetostealsomething.Butassoonasmoneywasuonhimhewasadifferentdog;hisunder-jaw&aos;dbegintostickoutlikethefo&aos;castleofasteamboat,andhisteethwoulduncoverandshinelikethefurnaces.Andadogmighttacklehimandbully-raghim,andbitehim,andthrowhimoverhisshouldertwoorthreetimes,andAndrewJackson-whichwasthenameoftheu-AndrewJacksonwouldneverletonbutwhathewassatisfied,andhadn&aos;texectednothingelse-andthebetsbeingdoubledanddoubledontheothersideallthetime,tillthemoneywasallu;andthenallofasuddenhewouldgrabthatotherdogjestbythej&aos;intofhishindlegandfreezetoit-notchaw,youunderstand,butonlyjustgriandhangontilltheythroweduthesonge,ifitwasayear.Smileyalwayscomeoutwinneronthatu,tillheharnessedadogoncethatdidn&aos;thavenohindlegs,becausethey&aos;dbeensawedoffinacircularsaw,andwhenthethinghadgonealongfarenough,andthemoneywasallu,andhecometomakeasnatchforhisetholt,heseeinaminutehowhe&aos;dsbeenimosedon,andhowtheotherdoghadhiminthedoor,sotoseak,andhe&aos;earedsurrised,andthenhelookedsorterdiscouraged-like,anddidn&aos;ttrynomoretowinthefight,andsohegotshuckedoutbad.HegiveSmileyalook,asmuchastosayhisheartwasbroke,anditwashisfault,foruttinguadogthathadn&aos;tnohindlegsforhimtotakeholtof,whichwashismaindeendenceinafight,andthenhelimedoffaieceandlaiddownanddied.Itwasagoodu,wasthatAndrewJackson,andwouldhavemadeanameforhimselfifhe&aos;dlived,forthestuffwasinhimandhehadgenius-Iknowit,becausehehadn&aos;tnooortunitiestoseakof,anditdon&aos;tstandtoreasonthatadogcouldmakesuchafightashecouldunderthemcircumstancesifhehadn&aos;tnotalent.ItalwaysmakesmefeelsorrywhenIthinkofthatlastfightofhis&aos;n,andthewayitturnedout.

"Well,thish-yerSmileyhadrat-tarriers,andchickencocks,andtomcatsandallthemkindofthings,tillyoucouldn&aos;trest,andyoucouldn&aos;tfetchnothingforhimtobetonbuthe&aos;dmatchyou.Hefetchedafrogoneday,andtookhimhome,andsaidhecal&aos;latedtoeducatehim;andsoheneverdonenothingforthreemonthsbutsetinhisbackyardandlearnthatfrogtojum.Andyoubetyouhedidlearnhim,too.He&aos;dgivehimalittleunchbehind,andthenextminuteyou&aos;dseethatfrogwhirlingintheairlikeadoughnut-seehimturnonesummerset,ormaybeacoule,ifhegotagoodstart,andcomedownflat-footedandallright,likeacat.Hegothimusointhematteroffetchingflies,andke‘himinracticesoconstant,thathe&aos;dnailaflyeverytimeasfurashecouldseehim.Smileyaidallafrogwantedwaseducation,andhecoulddo’mostanything-andIbelievehim.Why,I&aos;veseenhimsetDan&aos;lWebsterdownhereonthisfloor-Dan&aos;lWebsterwasthenameofthefrog-andsingout,‘Flies,Dan&aos;l,flies!’andquicker&aos;nyoucouldwinkhe&aos;dsringstraightuandsnakeaflyoff&aos;nthecounterthere,andflodownonthefloorag&aos;inassolidasagobofmud,andfalltoscratchingthesideofhisheadwithhishindfootasindifferentasifhehadn&aos;tnoideahe&aos;dbeendoin&aos;anymore&aos;nanyfrogmightdo.Youneverseeafrogsomodestandstraightfor&aos;ardashewas,forallhewassogifted.Andwhenitcometofairandsquarejumingonadeadlevel,hecouldgetovermoregroundatonestraddlethananyanimalofhisbreedyoueversee.Jumingonadeadlevelwashisstrongsuit,youunderstand;andwhenitcometothat,Smileywouldanteumoneyonhimaslongashehadared.Smileywasmonstrousroudofhisfrog,andwellhemightbe,forfellersthathadtraveledandbeeneverywheresallsaidhelaidoveranyfrogthatevertheysee.

"Well,Smileyke&aos;thebeastinalittlelatticebox,andheusedtofetchhimdown-townsometimesandlayforabet.Onedayafeller-astrangerinthecam,hewas-comeacrosthimwithhisbox,andsays:

"Whatmightitbethatyou&aos;vegotinthebox?

"

"AndSmileysays,sorterindifferent-like,‘Itmightbeaarrot,oritmightbeacanary,maybe,butitain&aos;t-it&aos;sonlyjustafrog.’

"

"Andthefellertookit,andlookedatitcareful,andturneditroundthiswayandthat,andsays,‘H&aos;m-so&aos;tis.Well,what&aos;shegoodfor?’

"

"‘Well,’Smileysays,easyandcareless,‘he&aos;sgoodenoughforonething,Ishouldjudge-hecanoutjumanyfroginCalaverascounty.’

"

"Thefellertooktheboxagain,andtookanotherlong,articularlook,andgiveitbacktoSmiley,andsays,verydeliberate,&aos;Well,&aos;hesays,‘Idon&aos;tseeno&aos;intsaboutthatfrogthat&aos;sanybetter&aos;nanyotherfrog.’

"

"‘Maybeyoudon&aos;t,’Smileysays.‘Maybeyouunderstandfrogsandmaybeyoudon&aos;tunderstand&aos;em;maybeyou&aos;vehadexerience,andmaybeyouain&aos;tonlyaamature,asitwere.Anyways,I&aos;vegotmyoinion,andI&aos;llreskfortydollarsthathecanoutjumanyfroginCalaverascounty.’

"Andthefellerstudiedaminute,andthensays,kindersadlike,‘Well,I&aos;monlyastrangerhere,andIain&aos;tgotnofrog;butifIhadafrog,I&aos;dbetyou.’

"AndthenSmileysays,‘That&aos;sallright-that&aos;sallright-ifyou&aos;llholdmyboxaminute,I&aos;llgoandgetyouafrog.’Andsothefellertookthebox,andutuhisfortydollarsalongwithSmiley&aos;s,andsetdowntowait.

"Sohesetthereagoodwhilethinkingandthinkingtohimself,andthenhegotthefrogoutandrizedhismouthoenandtookateasoonandfilledhimfullofquail-shot-filledhimrettynearutohischin-andsethimonthefloor.Smileyhewenttotheswamandsloedaroundinthemudforalongtime,andfinallyhefetchedafrog,andfetchedhimin,andgivehimtothisfeller,andsays:

"‘Now,ifyou&aos;reready,sethimalongsideofDan&aos;l,withhisforeawsjustevenwithDan&aos;l&aos;s,andI&aos;llgivetheword.’Thenhesays,&aos;One-two-three-git!andhimandthefellertoucheduthefrogsfrombehind,andthenewfroghoedofflively,butDan&aos;lgiveaheave,andhysteduhisshoulders-so-likeaFrenchman,butitwarn&aos;tnouse-hecouldn&aos;tbudge;hewaslantedassolidasachurch,andhecouldn&aos;tnomorestirthanifhewasanchoredout.Smileywasagooddealsurrised,andhewasdisgustedtoo,buthedidn&aos;thavenoideawhatthematterwas,ofcourse.

"Thefellertookthemoneyandstartedaway;andwhenhewasgoingoutatthedoor,hesorterjerkedhisthumboverhisshoulder-so-atDan&aos;l,andsaysagain,verydeliberate,‘Well,’hesays,‘Idon&aos;tseeno&aos;intsaboutthatfrogthat&aos;sanybetter&aos;nanyotherfrog.’

"SmileyhestoodscratchinghisheadandlookingdownatDan&aos;lalongtime,andatlasthesays,&aos;Idowonderwhatinthenationthatfrogthrow&aos;dofffor-Iwonderifthereain&aos;tsomethingthematterwithhim-he&aos;searstolookmightybaggy,somehow.&aos;AndheketchedDan&aos;lbythenaoftheneck,andheftedhim,andsays,&aos;Whyblamemycatsifhedon&aos;tweighfiveound!&aos;andturnedhimusidedownandhebelchedoutadoublehandfulofshot.Andthenheseehowitwas,andhewasthemaddestman-hesetthefrogdownandtookoutafterthatfeller,butheneverketchedhim.And-

"

[HereSimonWheelerheardhisnamecalledfromthefrontyard,andgotutoseewhatwaswanted.]Andturningtomeashemovedaway,hesaid:

"Justsetwhereyouare,stranger,andresteasy-Iain&aos;tgoingtobegoneasecond.

"

But,byyourleave,IdidnotthinkthatacontinuationofthehistoryoftheenterrisingvagabondJimSmileywouldbelikelytoaffordmemuchinformationconcerningtheRev.LeonidasW.Smiley,andsoIstartedaway.

AtthedoorImetthesociableWheelerreturning,andhebuttonholedmeandrecommenced:

"Well,thish-yerSmileyhadayallerone-eyedcowthatdidn&aos;thavenotail,onlyjustashortstumlikeabannanner,and-

"

However,lackingbothtimeandinclination,Ididnotwaittohearabouttheafflictedcow,buttookmyleave.